Can I do it?

I got a call from my childhood best friend today. She lives in the small town where we grew up and keeps me posted on all the happenings. It's been 25 years since we graduated, and apparently, some of our classmates felt like we couldn't let the 25 year mark pass us by without having some sort of event.

So, they planned an informal get together (carne asada cookout at someone's house) in October. My first thought is that I would LOVE to see everyone!

My second thought is that I don't want to go because I'm too fat.

My friends (who were here when i got this phone call) said I shouldn't let that stop me from going to be with friends. And they are right. But I just hate the thought of being seen.

And you know, I've been saying for years now, that I have to lose weight one of these days. And, to be honest, I was there five years ago for my 20 year reunion, and I know that I'm not MUCH fatter now than I was then. So, really, what's the big deal since they've already seen me fat?

I talked with hubby about it and he said that we both need to lose weight, and that maybe this short term goal would actually motivate me. After all, I have three whole months. Enough time to lose something. Maybe I wouldn't be Twiggy by October, but I'd definitely feel better than I feel now.

But there's something more. I'm afraid of saying I'm gonna lose weight because I'm afraid I wont be able to do it. I hate to say that - it sounds stupid. But that's how I truly feel. Afraid of failure. Afraid I'll get my hopes up of looking good, and then I'll still be big fat me, just like always. How do people lose 100+ lbs? We see it all the time on TV! I only need to lose about 40 lbs. Should be a piece of cake. (Mmmm, cake...)

But I'm thinking that this just might be possible. I have 12 weeks. At 2 lbs per week, I could lose 24 lbs. So maybe I can try to lose 20 lbs.

It just seems so impossible to me. WHY???? I hate feeling like I can't do it. I am afraid of failing in this. But I think I have to try. Not just for this event - but because I have to. and this event just came along to give me a kick in the butt. Think about it - if it were a year away, I'd think I had a lot of time and I would procrastinate. But three months is not long - yet long enough to do something.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. Maybe if I say it enough times, I'll believe it.